No one follows me on twitter so I'm hoping to give them a new life to roam free and wild and funnY...


JULY 5th, 2017

The book went to the beach. The book went into the beach bag. The book went from the bag into my bed. My bed is now the beach. #booknerd

FEBRUARY 12, 2017

When are they changing #SNL to the 'Kate McKinnon show'? #shecanplayanyone

DECEMBER 26th, 2016

'Shut up, I'm in the middle of a mystery novel' is how I say 'I love you.' #tanafrench #inthewoods #survivingtheholidays #HappyHolidays

DECEMBER 16th, 2016

Trump announces Elmer Fudd for Head of Rabbit Protection Agency. #TrumpCabinetBand #Trump #cabinetpicks

DECEMBER 4th, 2016

If we all posted impressions of Trump the same day do you think he might just short circuit? #SNL #dumpthetrump #RESISTANCE #pantsuitnation

NOVEMBER 21st, 2016

'Hailing' should be restricted to taxis, freezing rain balls, and the occasional Roman Senate reenactment. #DumpTrump #DumpBannon

NOVEMBER 18th, 2016

Last night I dreamed it was election night and - oh hang on, Reality's waving at me - what?!!!! Never mind. #NeverNormalize

October 16, 2016

New mantra: WWEHD? (What Would the Eagle Huntress Do?) #TheEagleHuntress #OaxacaFilmFest

SEPTEMBER 30th, 2016

When I hold my purse in the crook of my elbow I feel like the worst kind of adult imposter.

SEPTEMBER 30th, 2016

My cat has started nibbling on my toes when Iā€™m in bed in the morning without me even having to train her to. #cats

SEPTEMBER 21st, 2016

An undisclosed source snuck me into #CGI2016 and the dirt is it's just a bunch of people working hard to solve global problems. #boring

SEPTEMBER 21st, 2016

Half of me believes #JenniferAniston's all 'As if I care' but the other half of me is a girl who's been in a relationship. #Brangelina

SEPTEMBER 16, 2016

My new fettish is guys wearing #Hillary teeshirts...which is good cause the other stuff was getting weird. #HillaryClinton

SEPTEMBER 14th, 2016

'Your protagonist is unlikeable' 'Um, but, I mean, I'm just writing me' #writerslife #WriterWednesday #screenwriting


You should be able to rate #Airbnb guests on how passive-aggressive their review is. #kindaclean

AUGUST 26th, 2016

I need a warning label on the movie poster if a dog's gonna die to avoid wailing like a banshee on a first date. #HappyInternationalDogDay

AUGUST 23rd, 2016

When u hear teenagers give TERRIBLE sex advice, is jumping in with your own opinions weird and pervy or my civic duty? #LetsTalkAboutSex

AUGUST 13th, 2016

"My eye is bleeding, the Internet says it's fine though" #adulting

AUGUST 8th, 2016

BAND: MAKE SOME NOISE! Um. U make noise. I've come cuz u r skilled in noise & also u have mics & speakers so it's an impractical suggestion

JULY 27th, 2016

'No but like, which speech made you cry harder?' -The #Obamas to Sasha and Malia at every family dinner this month #ImWithHer #DemsInPhilly

JUNE 15th, 2016

We have to combat crap with love but some people I wanna love like Lenny loved da kitten, know what I'm sayin'? (re: the NRA saying something shitty)

APRIL 24th, 2016 (when they announced Harriet Tubman was going on the $20 bill)

I dunno, this is a happy moment for #HarrietTubman, you'd think she would smile more? #ImWithHer #SmileMore

FEBRUARY 24th, 2016

Saleswoman: What do you use under your eyes before bed?

Me: I dunno, what?

Me: Oh, I thought you were telling a joke...#soho

JANUARY 19th, 2016

I propose if you can't turn the taxi TV off your ride should be free. #whenIruletheworld #NYCTaxi

DECEMBER 15, 2015

FB ads suggest I might want a custom cross-stitch portrait of my cat and I'm simultaneously offended and intrigued. #catlady #FacebookAds

OCTOBER 1, 2015 (when that woman had to go to the hospital with builder's foam in her hair)

I dunno, I think builder's foam was really the only way to tackle the humidity yesterday. #curlyhairproblems

AUGUST 18th, 2015

When you're on a date and ask if he thought he'd make a good PIRATE and he hears PARENT. #lotstolearn #communicationbreakdown

JULY 27th 2015

I find boxing movies to be really hit or miss. #Southpaw

May 27th, 2015

Instead of jogging now I just play the #MadMax soundtrack while I sleep and it gets me in my target heart rate zone. #fitness

MARCH 4th, 2015

When a guy tries to pick you up by telling you you're having a bad hair day. It's like, no this is pretty good, thanks. #AwkwardLifeMoments

JANUARY 20th, 2015

Plane hasn't even taken off and already I've picked out the jerk I'll eat first in the event we crash on a desert island. #assholesgofirst

NOVEMBER 22nd, 2015 (NOTE: I don't remember what I was angry at...)

I'm at 'yelp-review' level anger. #williamsburg

NOVEMBER 18th 2015

'I feel like I'm on that show where they make the drugs' she said while I watched her bleach her shower mat in a bucket. #BreakingBad

NOVEMBER 13th 2015

The guy taking my visa photo told me my face says: shut your face or I'll punch u, n-word. Which is hysterical if u know me. Which u don't.

NOVEMBER 11th, 2014 (I don't remember this date....)

Is it good strategy to tell a guy to 'lower his expectations' before a date? I like setting up for surprise and not disappointment.

OCTOBER 10, 2014

last night I dreamed I invented a new dessert. I woke up set to become a titan of the dessert industry. Then I realized I invented cobbler.

OCTOBER 1st, 2014

Communicating with people is hurting my face holder.